I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
