looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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