So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
