Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
