Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
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obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..