she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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