Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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