I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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