I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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