I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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