so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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