So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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