with your own penis?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
