you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
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Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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