As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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