Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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