i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
