...so i touched it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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