saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't put those talents on a resume
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
