I think my fart just growled at me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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