Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am