i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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