Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom