Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
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We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."