Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
All I want is dick and wine.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
