grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates