So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
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She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid