just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't think brook has ever known best
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
