I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
