I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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