Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
