Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
