Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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