he fucked my hip out of place.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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