I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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