That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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