If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
