2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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