This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were trust falling into bushes
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
