She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?