My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy