youre lurking in front of me
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
