I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
