YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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