I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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