he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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