he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
