I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
