I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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