you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
