Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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