Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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