I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
