i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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