im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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