dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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