he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
