My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
