dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
