I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
