She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
