guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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