I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
