He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
