I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
